When we met I was a single mom, looking for a substitute to fill the hole that had been left by my baby daddy. I was on the prowl: looking at the materialistic part of you to determine whether or not you would be the right one to step into the kingdom that I thought I had. Yes I was the Queen of my kingdom and no one could tell me no different. When I saw you I had to look you up and down to make sure you passed my shoe test. Yep, the shoes had to be fly, and they were. He made it to the next stage, he got to buy me a drink. After talking for a while and me receiving the words that I wanted to hear I went ahead and gave him the correct phone number. I have to admit! I did not think he would call, but he did. He called so much my own mother said "GIRL YOU BETTER TAKE THIS BOY'S CALLS!" I laughed her off of course. Didn't she know I was a Queen and he was going to have to catch me if he wanted me. I think he wanted me, because I GIVE UP was not his name. No man had ever went hard for me like that and I was intrigued, sooo I had to see how this thing would play out.
Wow, a man who is genuinely willing to accept my ready made family. This is just to good to be true. I'm still a little skeptical so I think I will keep my walls up just to be sure, I can not risk another broken heart. I kept myself guarded from the time we met till halfway through our marriage. My thoughts were that I was the Queen of this relationship and my King was lacking some very important qualities. We were both and still are followers of Jesus Christ, but at that time our walk was not as strong as it needed to be. My idea of important qualities were CAN HE AFFORD ME when it should have been DOES HE HAVE THE ABILITY TO LOVE ME LIKE CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH.
I thought I knew what Love was but I was clueless. I thought it was a feeling, an emotion. Now here I am claiming to know God and don't know a thing about Love, which is a key ingredient in being a follower of the Most High. So there I was miserable in my marriage because I was waiting on that Love feeling to take over me, and well it never did. I was ready to divorce my husband because the feeling wasn't there. My husband suffers from mental illness and sometimes he needs extra special care. When we got married I did not know that I was signing up for that so, I began to build up animosity towards him when his true colors began to appear. That animosity I felt towards him was like poison to me. I just allowed it to make me mentally sicker and sicker. Little did I know I had allowed the enemy (The Devil) to take over. I felt trapped in this marriage and my husband was going to know that. Y'all this man of mines put up with all of my trials and tribulations. I told him I didn't love him anymore, He stayed. I cheated, He stayed. I kicked him out because I had a hard time dealing with his mental issues, and he was too at the time, He stayed faithful. You guys I had no idea the kind of man I had married. And now twenty years into our marriage I realize he accented me in just the right way. God did choose him for me. I was so BLIND! I was quiet and shy, he was loud and outgoing. I never had to worry about him cheating on me. In extended family matters and issues he always supported me. However, I was known to be a little wishy washy, I apologize. The fact that he struggled with mental illness meant that he needed more of my attention. I was so selfish, I did not want to give my husband what he needed. I was refusing to obey God, and I suffered dearly for it. I was about to give up on my marriage. I smelt sweet freedom, But God intervened. I was being drawn to my word and spending more time with God. I began to seek after him with my whole heart, and then out of nowhere change arrived. I was reading my word and praying on a regular basis. I began to realize very clearly what Love was. It's of God and a choice. NOT A FEELING. God says Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (Guilty). Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always preserves. It never fails 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. I began to put God first in my life and everything else began to fall into place. My Joy returned! My peace returned! True Love is borne! MY GOD IS ALWAYS BIGGER!